...running from the reality of a dream world...

Untitled

2012-01-20T03:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where to begin anymore.
I can't even think of titles.

I remember when I used to wish on stars and believe that dreams came true.

I remember when I used to write stories of people falling in love and stories of girls becoming princesses.
I remember pretending..

I remember pretending to be a princess..
I remember falling in love...

but I tore the dress and broke his heart

destruction to everything including my own mother's life.

I feel alone. I feel lifeless. I feel meaningless. I feel used. I feel tortured. I feel abandoned. I feel depressed. I feel dead...

But these are all silenced feelings pushed behind a huge smile, pretty eyes, and weightloss plan.

Everytime I get myself alone.. I can't help but let my thoughts wonder to dark places. There are too many temptations. I become vulnerable.. Fragile..

I hear whispering temptations..

Constantly there.. "Just do it.." "Run away.." "Keep driving..."

"Keep driving... go.. don't turn around. Just drive. Stop at the next gas station. Empty out your account. Put it all into your gas tank and just drive. Punch the gas, turn up the radion and drive away. Don't answer your phone."

"But you're in the middle of the desert no one will know where you are.. no one will know where to look because they think you're driving back from a friend's.."

"JUST KEEP FUCKING DRIVING! Why would you stop? Why would they want you there anyway? They only want you for your goods. Just drive away. Where ever your gas will take you... So be it if you run out in the middle of no where. No one will find you. You can sleep. The air will be silent. Your dreams will be louder than they've ever been and you can go home."

" I can't ... I just can't.. too many people are expecting me to make it home."

If I give in.. they win. If I don't.. they win.

Though there are a lot of people in my life that can't stand me worth a shit, I have to stick around for those who would give up everything for me.

I'm torn. I just wish for a night of silence. I just want everything to be quiet. I want everyone to shut the fuck up. Turn off my phone. Sleep and never fucking wake up! I just want to want to sleep!

I can't fall asleep. It seems so forced. I can't cry. I feel like a fool when I do. I can't feel. I get overwhelmed when I do.

I just want my thoughts to stop. I want to relax in silence without my tyrant neighbor children screaming and running outside of my window. I don't want to hear anymore fucking bad news.

Someone tell me something good for once.

I go to work. I fuck up. I yelled at for the dumbest fucking thing.
My parents can't stand me for some fucking reason.
My friends constantly call me negative and are the first ones to be the bearers of bad news.
My boyfriend loves me but wakes up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work and when he comes home, I go to work. We never see each other so there's distance.

I don't want to feel so empty anymore. No one hugs me cuz I need to be hugged. No one hold me cuz I need to be held. No one trully comforts me. I'm my own blanket sometimes.

Can you see why I shiver in my sleep?

I'm wasting away.

Some say I'm not old. I feel like I've lived enough life for all of you.

I wish you could have known someone else besides me.

I wish someone else could have taken my place.

I should have been flushed out with the rest of them.

I don't belong here.

I never have.

I get older every year.

I go anywhere but home..

I'm always looking for the secrets..

I know I made a mess of things..

I'm sorry..

Wish we could get the time back..

I've never been so sure..
That after all these years I've never learned
that heavenly creatures never come....

...Cinderella once told me that if I never told a dream, they'd come true...

...dreams don't come true for some people...

...wasting away...but I suppose I deserve all of it.

-L.

2012-01-18T18:41:00.001-08:00

I'm really beginning to hate my fucking life.

A Bad Friend...

2012-01-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sadness, worry, lonliness, helplessness, odd.

Seems like we all wanna run away.

Send questions away in the wind.

Life never gets easier. It really doesn't.

Even for those who've had everything handed to them on a platter.

It never gets easy.

I wish there was a way for me to say that while still being a good friend.

I feel like a bad friend.

because...

I'm here to listen. I listen. I'm here to help. I help. I'm here to be here for you. I'm here. I've always been here.

I'm everyone's diary. Everyone's shoulder.

I'm always here.

But I don't wanna be here anymore.

I know I'd let you down..

I know I'd make you sad...

I know you want me to tell you everything will be okay because I've been through a lot and I'm still here.

You all wanna hear something good comes out of this..

but there's still nothing..

I'm here. You cry. I listen. You need a hug. I hug you back. I'll hear your screams in terror. I'll hear your cries. You can wet my shoulder. You can scream at me. You can spill your secrets and I'll never say a word. I'll be the dumping ground. I won't judge you. I'll be your support.

... but one day... you'll have to be strong on your own because I won't be here forever.

Paper fades. Computers crash. Fabric rips. Wood wears. Metal rusts. Skin ages.

Hearts can over beat.

I love you...

I really do...

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Love

2012-01-18T03:19:00.000-08:00

...seems to be the topic of most people's conversations.

It's scary. It's pure. It's rushed. It's patient. It's long. It's fascinating. It's honest. It's comforting. It's painful. It's work. It's compromise. It's possible. It's forgiving. It's sad.

I don't want to fall in love..

Though, I'm in love..

...I'm afraid of it.

The word 'marraige' is frightening.

I'm not the kind of person who fantasizes about my wedding day.

I thought I was never that girl.. but I used to be.

I have a melted heart. No, I don't mean a mended heart, nor a broken one. It's melted. It's there but it's scarred.

I don't want to get married. I want to ignore it. Sometimes, I just want to sit by a warm fire and cuddle, but I'm not with someone who gets all mushy like that. I suppose part of growing up is looking past romance, and talking about bills, work, school, sex, money, family, and rent... right?

I don't know what true love is anymore.

I don't let myself get close anymore.

I'm hiding behind a thick wall of regret, lies, heart break, pain, memories, trauma, deep, dark, heavy clouds.

The dust has yet to settle.

I fear what lies beyond the mist.

It's not easy being gloom.

It's not easy laying next to the most genuine straight man on the planet and still wondering when he'll leave you.

It's not easy saying,"I love you," and then thinking,"for now," because you're not sure if you're willing to open up anymore than that.

It's not easy walking around with a wounded, delicate, heart that no one knows about because you hide it behind cold hard concrete and only cry in your sleep while you're dreaming...

No, it's not easy..

Dreams are just a night away, but you have to fall asleep to get there...

You don't sleep. You don't cry. You don't genuinely smile. You don't feel. You don't care.

You just live.

Saying. Doing. Thinking. Breathing, Living.

...and as time moves quicker and quicker.... you stop, look in the mirror, and say to yourself,"Where did time go?"

Time you'll never get back. Time you've wasted. The same time in which you'll waste away before you're able to stop and look in the mirror for the 2nd time.

Unable to change, unable to trust, unable to love. "Really" love...

It's not easy...

For and to the Self

2012-01-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

This world we live in is complicated and inconsistant, though we live in a time where history repeats itself.

We forget who our friends are. We forget what love is. We forget the world around us.

We grow up too young and as adults, wish we were children once again.

We forget how to fantasize and we grow up with out dreams.

As adults we forget the softness in life and we forget romance.

We assume lack of emotion and apathy are signs of maturity and wisdom.

This is not the case.

Life is too short to live life as a rock. Rocks live longer than we do and they too waste away.

What was once warm is now cold...because we "grew up".

Passion

2012-01-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

Passion.

What the fuck is that supposed to be?
I remember having passion.
I remember loving passion.

There is a saying: "Those who live in the past limit their future."

But at the same time couldn't one agree that it is our past that makes us who we are?

Without the past, we would have no future; at least not a future worth discussing.

Passion.

Passion is a word from my youth. Similar to dreams.

Is passion love? Is it sex? Is it obsession? Is it pride? Is it romance?

"When was the last time you felt passion?"

...fuck...

When one is alone for days at a time, the mind wheels begin turning and there are alarms that go off in every corner of our thoughts. Warnings and flashes and signs and thoughts...

So many fucking thoughts.

When one is tired and lonely in the life they live while awake, then why not live in our dreams where we can find comfort and where all of our wishes come true?

Smiles.

Passion

Sometimes, I want to grab a cozy blanket, hot chocolate, a big sweat shirt, and time, and go to a big field, mountain, or patch of grass, and watch the stars. Whether alone or with someone I love talking to, I just want to stare. So be it if we fall asleep. I think it would be nice...coming up with ideas of life and love and passion.

I suppose I'm passionate about dreams.

Sometimes we search for the thing that's standing right in front of us.

If you don't believe, then I'm sorry.

The stars tell a story, almost like a prophecy. They tell us how we live, how we love, how we match, how we think, how we eat, how we grow.

No matter how far a person can be, always know you're always looking at the same sky, the same stars, breathing the same recycled air of the earth.

It's amazing how accurate the stars can be.

I'm not affraid of alone anymore.
I'm passionate about isolation.

Marraige: dedicating your life to one being forever.

Never leave, never cheat, never break your contract.

Tattoos are fun. Tattoos are on 'me'. Love is in my heart.. but ....

... I don't think I'm capable of loving like that anymore...

....passion...

....lacking...

....loving..
...waiting..

-Lund3on

The Unconscious...

2011-08-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Sleep is the time when the body heals itself and when your mind and soul can rest. When you wake up you are to feel bright and alert and rested. The morning is supposed to be welcoming and graceful and beautiful.

Dreams are wishes and adventures that most people enjoy secretly.

"If you have a dream and tell someone the dream, it won't come true."

[Or at least that was the logic of Cinderella from what I can remember as a child.]

Dreams are typically the escape from reality to which everyone looks forward.

My dreams...

They are stories, wishes, fears, realities, fantasies, adventures, signs, messages, and so vivid.

My the dream I had last night would amaze anyone if you've ever felt the I have. If you could see what I saw, felt what I felt, experienced what I experienced, you would melt and never want to wake up.

A love that no man could ever see and those that do see it once. A story of the future brought to the present. Wishful thinking. Running hand in hand and running away into another world and never look back. Never speak to anyone. The designs, the colors, the places, the smells, the feeling, the warmth, the words, the eyes. Every man's story is told through their eyes. Where two beings become one soul. Inseparable.

“Out of sight, out of mind” or so the cliché saying says.

False! Sharing mystic worlds while the silence in the room carries loud noises on you can hear. You were beautiful. It's everything you've ever wanted. Nobody has to know. Nobody has to share a single sound. I wonder if it happens to you? I wonder if you sleep the way I do.. I wonder you share my dreams, of forgotten words and fantasies. Speak a language only two understand. One woman's heart given to only one man..

Every time I see the stories of your soul, I feel drawn into an abyss of stories untold. I feel exposed. I feel like falling to my knees and shouting to everyone “ YES! Take me! Let us go! So far away into a world unknown and tell no one as we say goodbye, because our love has never died. The distance has killed me and tortured you..”

Will the world be gracious? Will fate allow two rounds of bliss? Or is this a world only to be experienced in the unconscious.

Dark, silent, quiet, peaceful, nights. I can smell the campfire. I can smell the trees. I can feel the breeze and feel the butterflies again. The thought of you, kissing you, makes me want to sleep forever.

I'm awake. Terrified of night mares. Terrified of the poor world. I wake up everyday next to a wonderful man. I love him. He loves me. Our morals are parallel and we share everything. More than I've ever shared with anyone in the past. Our physical worlds connect and we talk to everyone.

You don't have to speak. We don't have to share. This is where it all began.

123214323412508710817

..and this is where it ends...

Neither one has the balls to admit it. Both have too much pride.

Welcome...

2011-08-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

Some of you have been following me for a while...
And some of you are just beginning my journey...

Welcome to my reality...

My name is Lund3on.

I'm just a 24 year old woman starting a new blog to talk about life, love, money, struggles, and well... life.

In my eyes, my world is weird; others find it fascinating. I just live everyday figuring out my purpose here on this earth in hopes of achieving what is the best for me while being honest, loyal and real.

Again, I say,"Welcome."

Leave all judgement at the door.

Shall we begin?