Another side to the being an artist, is what I like to ALSO call,
weakness, but what most refer to as
emotion.
Every great artist has DEEP, passionate, emotions, and we use these emotions to express our visions via a variety of medium.
I tend to go back and forth with mine. It's either all or nothing. I'm either deeply angered, loving, social, and silly, or I'm absolutely numb to my core, and a borderline sociopath.
It really just depends on my mood, the day, current events, and the vibes I get from the people in my life at that moment.
Today, I feel ..... reflective....?
[Is that even an emotion?]
I've been taking this time during quarantine to get in touch with some things I haven't been able to address while I'm working, living, and doing all the things you do when you aren't quarantined........
And there really are a lot of current events that have happened in the last few years that have really pulled me away from what I was originally chasing.
A lot of it was very painful and naturally, when our bodies get hurt, our nerves create a mechanism with our bodies to physically pull away from what ever event is causing us harm. For example: when you burn your hand on the stove, your brain tells your body to move your arm and remove your hand from the blazing stove.
I think, for some people, [really, I can only speak for myself] that we tend to do this with certain people and events. Some people choose to stay lit on fire by those who have burned them, but personally, I just avoid the flames when they happen and act like the blisters don't need tending.
But lately, I've been feeling like I need to tend to some of these 3rd degree-ers. And I'm not ashamed. In fact, I feel like it's long overdue. I'm not exactly going to go into detail here, but, I will say, that I have neglected some of these wounds caused by certain events, just simply due to not making enough time for myself.
I often wonder where the rocks go when they need a place to lean because it's not easy for me to confide in people and talk about what's plaguing me, because half of the time I'm too busy to feel it, and the other half of the time, I'm doing things to keep busy so I can just ignore it.
I found that rocks lean on the very surface that buries them making it difficult to escape. We rely on ourselves. It puts us between a rock and hard place, because we really have to remove ourselves from everything to 1) really get a better picture of what it is we are feeling, and 2) dealing with that emotion in a healthy manner without losing our shit or taking it out on other people.
I guess rocks can come off as cold, and even at times, insane, but the beauty in our artwork would not be born without the strength and momentum we build from these energy sucking events in our lives.
Looking back on the last 3 years, since my move to San Diego, really has opened my eyes to things I never saw before. Things that used to be problems are now fixed, but unfortunately the things that didn't need fixing, suddenly became problems. It was shitty trade off, but I learned a lot from it.
That's all you really can do. Everything you experience should teach you something. And every loss should teach an ounce of gratitude.
I'm grateful for a lot in my life. Especially now!
I took L.A. for granted. I was tired. I was afraid. I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel like I had what it took to face my dreams and my independence. I didn't know how to express this to the people around me when they would ask me what was wrong. I just did things. I just acted. I up and moved spontaneously within 1 month.
As a result I really suffered, because leaving L.A. made me feel like I lost a big part of my soul. Between leaving the opportunities in the art world, and leaving behind so many awesome people, I felt completely alone in this new environment and I wasn't ready for the slower change of pace.
I can confidently acknowledge where I went wrong. And even though my plan to move back still requires careful execution, I'm grateful for the experiences I had and am having in San Diego. I think living here really pulled me out of my element and my comfort zone, and showed me where my heart lies and how to become a stronger and even better version of myself.
I was faced with some of the most awful people I could ever encounter while living here.
But I also met some AWESOME people, unlike any others I've met, during this journey as well.
My entire persona was challenged moving here. My identity, my goals, my dreams, my purpose... all of it was thrown in my face and I was ridiculed for being different and it really challenged me and made me rethink my entire existence.
There were even times when I felt like I was useless. I even expressed this to some people and they would look at me like I was crazy and childish, when in reality I was really hurting and felt so alone.
Contrary to that, I also met people who helped me find strengths in myself I never knew I had. People who recognized my intuitive thought process and even helped me further develop this. I made amazing friends that I can still, to this day, call and go for walks on the beach, and who even share the same artistic interests.
No life choice is a perfect choice. It really just depends on how you're able to make the results fit into your life. Life is really about being able to adapt and being able to adapt quickly. The quicker you move on, the better you will become. It's about sacrifice and quickly ridding the things in your life which no longer serve you. The better you get at doing these things, and the faster you bounce back from it all, and the better your life will become.
I'm no guru, and I still have a shit ton of lessons to learn in this life, but I can say that I'm happy to finally express some of this and hope that my experiences touch the hearts of other artists as well.
I feel so much better!
Thank you, for reading!
Stay tuned for more!
-L.A.
